I have a great group of friends, I really do. In recent months it has become more apparent that they are all fast. More importantly, they are all faster than me. Allow me to explain.
I ride my bike approximately 100 miles a week. But when we go on group rides I am always the last one. When we’re out rock climbing I have to climb the easiest routes and I’m again the slowest. If we are doing something that involves running, my sprint is pretty much equivalent to everyone else’s power walk.
I’m tired of being last. So I’m going to do something about it. No, I’m not going to go to the gym more so that I’ll be stronger and climb better. I’m not going to ride my bikes by myself so I get faster. I’m not going to run to get in better shape. No agility drills to get fast. Nope. I’m going to find new friends.
Below I’ve listed a few requirements for those wishing to apply
- Age 21-27
- Have at least 2 different bikes and reasons for both of them
- Prefer wheat beer
- Have a bedtime of around 10pm
- Be a good story teller
- Not like worms
Please submit a letter of intent and a resume listing any pertinent qualifications for being my new friend. Also a 437 word essay on the benefits of Crest Cool Mint Gel toothpaste. New friends I look forward to meeting you.
Eschcapades 
I didn’t realize worms would be such a deal-breaker for you.
Look at you getting all fancy and commenting. And about the worms, I have to make sure that someone isn’t going to find it funny to take advantage of my fear of worms. Because this is about me finding friends who are slightly inferior to myself. If they make fun of my fear of worms that gives them an edge and I can’t have that.